|9/24/2008 8:00:00 AM|
Remember how straighforward the world used to be?
|Situation: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack of his truck. |
1958 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show to Jack.
2008 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Situation: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and remain buddies.
2008 - Police called. SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Both charged with assault, both expelled, even though Johnny started it.
Situation: Jeffrey won't be quiet or still in class, disrupting other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given large doses of Ritalin. Becomes unresponsive. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Situation: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and gets a whipping from his Dad's belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up a normal child, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's father is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers that she was abused herself and their father goes to prison. Billy's mother has an affair with the psychologist.
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin with him to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with the principal on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violation. His car searched for drugs or weapons.
Situation: Pedro fails high school English course.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school. Pedro passes English course. Pedro goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's failure is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action law suit against school system and against Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma, ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Situation: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, put the powder into a paint bottle and blows up a bed of red ants.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and Federal Bureau of Investigation called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism. FBI investigates parents. Siblings removed from home. Computers confiscated. Father placed on terrorist watch.
Situation: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found by his teacher who picks him up and hugs him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better, returns to his classmates and goes on playing.
2008 - Teacher is accused of being a sexual predator, loses her job and faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it."
"OK, coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down, he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down, he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down, he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on fourth down, he dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."
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