|6/3/2008 8:00:00 AM|
Why do you have to learn such things too late?
|They were each 85 years old and had been married for 64 years. Though they were far from young, they were both in very good health for their age, largely due to the wife's insistence on health food and exercise for the last decade. |
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with an eternally stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven." They went out behind the mansion, where they were shown the adjacent championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day.'"
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them and free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
Here's an amusing collection of signs from various places of business or profession throughout the country:
Over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a northeast Pennsylvania plumbing company: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Slogan for a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
Over the door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's office: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
On a fire truck in North Carolina: We still make house calls, y'all.
From the files of the Internal Revenue Service is this letter which was received from a taxpayer:
"I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
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