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Monday, May 2, 2016
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home : considered comment : selected past columns May 2, 2016

11/22/2006 11:17:00 AM
Drinking excuses: From 5 reasons to the buffalo theory

On my bar at home I keep on the wall this verse by Dr. Henry Aldrich that was written in the 17th century: If all be true that I do think/There are five reasons why we should drink/Good wine, a friend, or being dry/Or lest we should be bye and bye/Or any other reason why.

That says it well, I think, although I could have called upon these other witticisms, and then sound an accompanying warning to their remarks. Here goes:

• Sometimes when I reflect on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may convince you that you suddenly see the solutions to the most difficult of your problems.

• "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " - Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

• "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

• "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." - Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

• "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - Brian O'Rourke

• "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

• "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

• To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! - Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

• The last, and probably the most inventive: One afternoon, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm on the Cheers television series. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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