• Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

• Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

• Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

• No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

• There are no new sins - the old ones just get more publicity.

• There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.

• Think about this: No one ever says "it's only a game" when their team is winning.

• How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

• One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.

• A backyard barbecue draws two things: flies and relatives.

• The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

• If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

• Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

• You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

• I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.



Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.

8. See! You're smiling already.



If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

You probably are the family dog.