After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men. He found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out, both quickly. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women. She loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance, Cameras.

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

4. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

5. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

6. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

7. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

8. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

9. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

10. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

"I left my wallet in the cab I took home, where my dog bit me at the doorway and when I got inside I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then, to cap off this worst day of my life, you show up and drink the damn poison."