A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this hour," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. 

So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" 

"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened.

She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."



One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. 

She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said, 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

There was so much laughter that the teacher was unable to teach for 10 minutes.



On the first day of college, the Dean is addressing the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is the same to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"



A doctor calls his patient and says, the check you gave me for my bill came back.

The patient replies, so did my arthritis.



A kindergarten teacher asks Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well.

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me - even more than 10."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, so what comes after, let's say, ten?"

"A jack."