The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:

- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.

- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.

- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.

- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"



A police man brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, Your Honor," he said.

"Boys," sternly said the judge, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.



Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. 

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. 

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. 

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and read. The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: 

Port Left 

Starboard Right



Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That's because I've been practicing all night.



A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. 

"Oh! We'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

"He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."



One man said to his friend, "We live in an automated society.

"Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?"