A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and got a batch of medals for it.

"Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things."



Maybe you've heard about these rules that apply to people who insist on owning a cat:

1. The cat is not allowed in the house.

2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. OK, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.

4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.

7. OK, the cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.

8. Well, OK, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.

9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.



An elderly man, 88 years old, summoned the three most important people in his life: his doctor, his priest and his lawyer.

He told them, "Today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you here because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the three people happened to meet. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

The lawyer couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it in!"



A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" But God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look nicer. Released from the hospital, she was crossing the street on her way home when an ambulance struck and killed her.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years or so? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

And God replied, "Because I didn't recognize you, girl."