Tell me about your eating out and I will tell you your age. No foolin'. But don't read the bottom line until you have answered all the previous questions. Read on:

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.  (It should be more than once but less than 10.)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1758. If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now, subtract the four-digit year that you were born. (You should have a three digit number.)

The first digit of this was your original number, or how many times

you want to go out to restaurants in a week.

The next two numbers are your age. . . oh, yes, it is!

*

While walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed."

The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A minute later or two, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now."

An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me.'

"You bet I do", the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

*

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

*

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car  accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for Saint Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could  get married in Heaven. Saint Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time  anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. 

The  couple sat and waited for an answer - for a couple of  months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they go ahead and get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. Saint Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter became red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground and glared at them.

"What's  wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"Oh, come on!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"