A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she was there in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"  

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.  

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.  

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased these few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Suggestions for a sign women might want to put up somewhere in their house:

1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home - Adjust!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

3. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

4. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

5. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

6. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

8. I came, I saw, I decided to order takeout.

9. If you don't like my standards of cooking ­- lower your standards.

10. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse.

11. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.

12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

17. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little."

"Like this?"  

"A little more."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and proceeded to walk slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. There was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "I told you so, it is vanishing cream!"