Here are some familiar business terms brought up-to-date: 

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit - An archaic word no longer in use.



The last, for awhile at least, of our collection of dumbos:

• A Queensland, England, driver, 63, with his significant other, 64, crashed into the side of a 2,000-foot long wheat train at a level crossing. 

His Volvo became wedged between the two last carriages. It was dragged sideways by the oblivious train for more than half a mile before crashing into a trackside pylon. The crash dislodged the car from the train. 

This happened just beyond an unfenced bridge with a 30-foot drop. The car spun off the train several times and came to rest just short of another gully precipice. Miraculously, both passengers suffered only minor bruises and freed themselves from the car. The driver set off back down the railroad track to seek help. Slipping off the bridge, he fell to his death.

• Derrick Richards was charged with third degree murder in Minneapolis, after the shooting death of his beloved cousin, Ken. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian Roulette. Instead of using a 6-shot revolver, he used a semi-automatic pistol. Should have tried it on himself, first!

• In Wyoming, a man was arrested on burglary charges. He turned out to be someone with a rather long criminal record. Somehow, he managed to escape from the police while handcuffed. As a token of his freedom and to add insult to the police department, the man mailed the cuffs back. And included his return address on the package!

• In Pasadena, Maryland, Darwin Coates, 21, shoved a .22 caliber handgun into the waistband of his pants. It accidentally went off and shot him in the groin. He then went to his girlfriend's place to call for help.

While waiting for the ambulance, a friend, Gregory Johnson, 32, showed up. He took the tiny pistol and stuck it in his back pocket. It went off again and shot him in the buttock. Both men required extensive medical treatment.

Fortunately, the police were able to recover the gun without shooting themselves.



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Johnny. "Giving up?"