A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."



A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

"Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler dog Jesus."



Smitty's son: Dad there is someone on the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Smitty: Give him a glass of water.



Courtroom Funnies:

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.