For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently, speaking English is what kills you.



A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?" the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330," the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"

"Well," the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."



The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road.

One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road and the student remained completely calm.

"This time you're doing fine!" exclaimed the instructor.

"Yes," the novice driver agreed. "Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes."



A couple each is reading the paper and the wife says: "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"

Her husband, wishing not to appear uninterested, said: "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!"



There was a little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business, when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "Geez, that was weird," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden the big dude knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

The little guy gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so before he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and knocks him off his stool, knocking him out cold!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."