Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.



This may help you understand those medical terms you hear.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What to do when patients die.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Catscan: Hunting for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

D and C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than the other guy.

Fibula: A small lie.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series: World series of military baseball.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lower G.I.: Privates and Corporals.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: Not a doubt.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Damn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: One more than one.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Upper G.I.: Colonels and Generals.

Varicose: Near by/close by.