While taxiing at London's Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"

Continuing to pour her rage onto the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



Comedian Jay Lenno on the Tonight Show had this to say the other night:

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well, that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!"



A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."

The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want one million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account." POOF! There was the deposit slip.

Next he wished for a Ferrari automobile, red in color. POOF! There was the car in front of him.

He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.



A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes," the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that two trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied, "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually."

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle."

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"



Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise.

"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foremen are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."

"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"

"Jealousy," answered Pete. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."



Four people are in an airplane - the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk, "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."

"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

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